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Comments:
stardustcboy - 2005-02-24 14:26:42
this is a tough call darlin'. i feel ya. in the end you have to realize your boundaries. anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and ill at ease is pushing beyond that boundary. he must respect that and desist in his pursuance at least this once for your own happiness and sense of security. shouldn't that be the foremost on his mind? perhaps in time you will become more comfortable with the thought and certain allowances can be made; but until that day all bets are off. JeLLy is my queen and mistress, i will not do anything without her consent and approval, no matter how much i want or desire it. if she says no i do not move beyond the threshold. i've found that crushes outside the primary relationship are oftentimes fleeting. the initial flutterbies and tinglies doth fade and that desire once quenched tends to cool... i cannot offer you an answer, but i can say that you must go with what will bring you peace of mind, body and spirit. i'm reading you. ~B-)
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Daphne - 2005-02-24 14:41:45
Oh girl, I know EXACTLY how you feel! I'm getting like this myself and there isn't even a real threat. I'm just SO scared sometimes because I feel physically inferior to the women my boyfriend seeks out to play with. I know not letting him play and continuing to be a control freak about it won't help (he'll certainly leave then and I know that he'll always be more committed to the lifestyle than to me because he told me so when we met), but it's hard to let go, especially in your case, when your gut is telling you otherwise. I half want to tell you to listen to your gut, often it's smarter than your mind, but I also know how that might drive him off. Of course, I've only been risking it for 3 years, and on my end I feel like I'm under more pressure because I'm so young (comparatively)that if I ever have a complaint I'm being childish/selfish, so I don't know where you or the relationship is at. I just wanted to tell you to hang in there and thanks for sharing. I often feel like I'm the only female swinger that has problems in the lifestyle, and that shouldn't be the case. We need to talk so we won't feel so alone or imperfect.
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TheDonut - 2005-02-24 14:49:19
SG, breathe! Take a step back and breathe!
You've already said it all so well. Your diary entry shows that you understand both sides of things; you've thought about this already from multiple angles. Your emotion and love for your hubby drips from your diary entry and makes even that much more likeable and loveable.
You've now crossed the magic line from simply swinging into polyamory (loving more than one person). Your hubby seems to appreciate your concern and seems willing to stop whatever it is if you say so. That in and of itself says so much about his love for you and even about his trust for you.
What's right for the two of you today might not be right tomorrow. Feelings change, people change. Maybe in a year you'd feel more confident to let him explore not only sexually but emotionally -- without you. But if you're not confident now, he MUST respect your right to say enough. (The swinger's right to define their own limits -- and say "no" or "enough" -- is well-agreed-upon issue that is set at the very beginning of exploration of an alternative lifestyle.)
Trust your intuition here.
If you are willing to take this leap of faith and let him explore, you may want to consider revising your own ground-rules to account for emotional involvement.
Poly-friendly and alternative-friendly cunselors are even available to help you.
(http://www.polyamory.org/SF/poly-friendly.html)
My own story -- I let my own love (then fiancee) explore when she got emotionally attached. It tore me up, but I'm glad I let her explore emotionally. She had a full relationship (on the side, nothing hidden) with this other guy, and he wound up giving her an ultimatim ("It's me or him.") She chose me, and we're now happily married. (Got married at Hedonism III -- another story for another time.)
"If you love something, set it free..."
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TheDonut - 2005-02-24 15:04:13
SG, breathe! Take a step back and breathe!
You've already said it all so well. Your diary entry shows that you understand both sides of things; you've thought about this already from multiple angles. Your emotion and love for your hubby drips from your diary entry and makes even that much more likeable and loveable.
You've now crossed the magic line from simply swinging into polyamory (loving more than one person). Your hubby seems to appreciate your concern and seems willing to stop whatever it is if you say so. That in and of itself says so much about his love for you and even about his trust for you.
What's right for the two of you today might not be right tomorrow. Feelings change, people change. Maybe in a year you'd feel more confident to let him explore not only sexually but emotionally -- without you. But if you're not confident now, he MUST respect your right to say enough. (The swinger's right to define their own limits -- and say "no" or "enough" -- is well-agreed-upon issue that is set at the very beginning of exploration of an alternative lifestyle.)
Trust your intuition here.
If you are willing to take this leap of faith and let him explore, you may want to consider revising your own ground-rules to account for emotional involvement.
Poly-friendly and alternative-friendly cunselors are even available to help you.
(http://www.polyamory.org/SF/poly-friendly.html)
My own story -- I let my own love (then fiancee) explore when she got emotionally attached. It tore me up, but I'm glad I let her explore emotionally. She had a full relationship (on the side, nothing hidden) with this other guy, and he wound up giving her an ultimatim ("It's me or him.") She chose me, and we're now happily married. (Got married at Hedonism III -- another story for another time.)
"If you love something, set it free..."
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Polonius - 2005-02-24 15:10:44
Trust your gut.
You have to follow your emotional path. If it is telling you something is wrong, then tell your husband--even if it is something that is amorphous. Trust him enough to make the choice. I wrote you more in an email... I may have been more eloquent there (and, I don't want to take up too much space here).
Trust your gut... even if it wrong or nothing is there, you have to tell your husband and he needs to make that choice. It sucks big time... I'm feeling for you and I'm sending you a big hug.
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alseedus - 2005-02-24 15:33:05
tell him you arent comfortable with it. obviously you are not, so be honest with him. if you love eachother the way you say, he would honor your request and live it like it were his own decision. im not a swinger but i enjoy reading about the lifestyle. i dont consider myself closed minded because i dont share my body with anyone but my husband and the same goes for him to me, but still- you married for a reason. you are his core and he should honor you foremost.
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Kevin - 2005-02-24 16:08:02
Is it that they "like" each other that's causing you the anguish? After all you both knowingly play with others (your lunch dates). You trust yourself not to run off with those other men, right? My rule of thumb is to trust your partner as you trust yourself. He's being honest with you so I think you have to take his word. Let it go. Things will be fine.
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Christine - 2005-03-02 21:23:23
I have read your blog off and on for a while. I have wondered whether I could live that lifestyle, because I selfishly want to play but would probably feel jealous if he did.
I have read other articles about the lifestyle, and I agree that if you feel uncomfortable, you should tell him. I don't think he would enjoy himself knowing that even in some small way he was hurting you. I'm sure that together you can make the decision that is right for you.
I wish you the best of luck!
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